Light in the darkness
by LeandraDeRaven
Summary: post ep 10. season 12. what if someting bad happend to April. Would it affect Jackson's decision to divorce?
1. Breathe

**Hey lovely people. this is my first fanfic ever. i am not a native speaker. but I wanted to she this with you all. i hope you like it.. characters belong to grey's.**

chapter one

Breathe

April was on her way to the Grey Sloan Memorial. Her head pulsed from the Hangover of last night.

She drank three bottles of wine with Arizona. Otherwise she couldn't stand the slap in her face which Jackson just given her yesterday. She had to cover the pain in some way.

She knew that go back to the Combat Zone a Second Time was an extremely selfish decision of her. She was aware that it was nothing more than an escape from the pain and that she hurts Jackson so much with that decision...

But she needed to go... she wasn't herself anymore...

She was hollow and all she could see and feel was pain and darkness.

She thought, that after the first year in Jordan her wounds were already healed. She wished nothing more than that. Then she came back home. Full of anticipation to see her lovely husband again... because she thought she were healed... filled with anticipation to come back to the second part of her soul... but then she realized that she still couldn't breathe.

Every time she looked at Jackson or the other people at the hospital, she was swallowed by the darkness again and this tie up her chest. She saw the people staring at her. Their compassionate looks. They doesn't seen April Kepner anymore . They see the poor woman who lost her child. Even Jackson looked at her that way. Anywhere she went, she was reminded of her little angel and the tragedy loss of him.

The worst of all was, when she looked at Jackson, she didn't saw her lovely husband, she saw Samuel and it destroyed her.

She wanted to see JACKSON again... HIM... HER HUSBAND.

She Thought, if she would've stayed, she will destroy their marriage anyway. Because she couldn't heal any other way. She thought if she went and returns all recovered, she could save their marriage! She has hoped, that Jackson understood that and could forgive her anytime.

Tears of anger where coming up by these thoughts and her vision blurred.

She was angry at herself, that she didn't have the strength for staying.

Was angry at god, who's now definitely look down at her and laughs.

Angry at Jackson, that he couldn't understand and forgive her. Or at least he could try. But it seems like he didn't try.

When the tears overcome, she drove aside and stopped the car.

„I left to come back to you." She murmurs to herself.

„I left to come back to you." She was screaming now and punching the wheel, like it would be Jackson's chest, while she was repeating these words over and over again. Sobs escaping from deep down of her soul. While she still repeating the sentence like some holy mantra.

Her sobs got any louder. It were bloodcurdling screams. They came from the deepest interior of her soul. Each one of them hurts like a stab of a knife and unlaced her before the pain from air. ...and now the Darkness is coming again. Haunts her. Swallow her. Worse than ever, worse than after Samuels lost. The emptiness that Samuel left was unbearable. But she survived, she saved herself... for Jackson. But she didn't know if she can survive to lose Jackson. But if her husband gave up on their marriage. What does she have then? At the thought her eyes went black and had the feeling she had to puke. this loss she definitely wouldn't survive. She looks at the car seat besides her and saw the divorce papers laying there.

She have to give him at least this will. She have to be selfless this time. For his sake. Even though it mean that it would extinguish the last spark of life of her.

New sobs overwhelmed her, when she grabbed the big envelope with the divorce papers. She opened it with shaking hand and put out the papers. Again another sob escaping her chest, while she opened the drawer to grab the pen. Her hands were still shaking.

" Goddamn put yourself together." She says to herself. She signed underneath Jackson's signature. After that she felt the empty back possession of herself. This signature put the last sense of life out of her.

Now all felt like a monotonous, technical expiration. When she started the car. When she pushed at the right time gas or the breaks. It was like she was an audience of herself and she hadn't any influence about what her body did. She parked her car apathetically and got out of it. She packed the papers in her purse and went through the entrance of the Grey Sloan Memorial.

She didn't live anymore. But she functions. She breathed, she felt how the air was hissed in her lungs and pushed out. She could breathe, but she didn't live anymore. She functioned, because she had to,

 **so... this is it... what do you think. please feel free to review:)**


	2. Proud of Nothing

Proud of nothing

April put her stuff in the dressing room and put her scrubs on. She went to the entrance hall, where Miranda Bailey just called her. "Kepner I need you here in 5 minutes. Page Hunt and Riggs also. A Cardio Trauma is coming in." Ordered Bailey.

" But Hunt told explicit that he never wants to work with Riggs." April said. "It doesn't matter what kind of issues Hunt with Riggs have or what Hunt said, We need a cardio surgeon. Pierce is in the OR now, so page Riggs. "Bailey said. "But... " no but, Kepner page Riggs. "Urgh as if I have no other Stuff that I have to handle..." She mummers to herself and rolling her eyes in annoyance. Suo she paged Hunt and Riggs to pick up the next incoming emergergy. Now she was waiting Riggs and Hunt outside before the emergency room. "Kepner I told you I don't want... Hunt began to complain. " I know Owen." She answered and gasp in frustration. " oh look the ambulance, the duty calls guys. Work to do." she said in relief when she finally saw the ambulance and walk through it. The doors of the ambulance opened and the patient got carried out. "So what do we have..." The Last thing what April heard was a big bang and was thrown away by the compression wave. Then the darkness followed.

"Fuck April!" Nathan screamed and ran towards her.

She lay on the floor, was unconsious and bled out of the head. He felt for her pulse. "Thank God! She's alive." Nathan murmured in relief. "Hunt get help, now" Nathan screamed. "I am on my way" Hunt answered and rushed back in the hospital. "We need help!" Owen screamed while he rushed into the Entrance Hall and ran straight into Jackson. "What the hell has happened." Jackson ask in confusion. " The ambulance exploded..." he stuttered "April... " Owen didn't have to say more. Jackson eyes widened in fright and he ran through the emergency entrance as if his life depends on it. "Riggs, don't touch her, go away from her. What the hell happened." Jackson barked, pushed Nathan aside and lay down on his knees beside of April. "The ambulance explooded and she got thrown away by the compression wave. She is unconscious. And has a head injury. But she is alive." Nathan explained. Jackson couldn't think clearly anymore. How April was laying there. Unconscious, blood was pouring out of her head and smut covered her face. He couldn't lose her. He thought. Why does this take so long. Nathan get some damn help! NOW!" Jackson barked in rage. "I'll go." Nathan laid a Hand on Jackson Shoulder to calm him down, who now was taking aprils hand into his and said. " She will survive this. She is the Machine" then he paged every one with 911. "Please April, don't leave me... You have live..." He croaks out. I love you... do you hear me April... don't you dare to die. You understand." Jackson whispers while he was fighting against his tears. The thoughts of divorce were far away now. Then all came. Hunt, Amelia, Callie, Arizona und Alex. He let her hand go and walked aside to the others could do their work. "1.2.3. up." They said all in sync as they lay her down on the barrow. Jackson ran with them into the trauma room. All people worked as fast as they could. Jackson examined her body after burns She had some burn injuries on her belly, some on her legs. He felt like he was caught in a bad movie. He didn't even notice the others anymore. He was totally focused on Apri. Suddenly he heard a irregular signal. He felt the blood rushed down from his face. "Crap! Ventricular fibrillation!" He thought. Thrilled with panic he jumps up and began cardiac rhythm massage. The adrenaline whooshed in his veins. He don't had time to panic. He couldn't hide his tears anymore but he didn't give a damn shit if they were seeing them. Come on Apes, come on. Jackson repeated over and over again. He continues alternate with the cardiac massage and the mouth to mouth resuscitation. Come on April, please. Jackson whispers desperately. But he got pushed aside by the others which came with the pedals. Jackson stepped back allergically until he felt the cold wall behind his back. He sank to the floor and burst out into tears. He was aware of the voices around him only incidentally. "Charge to 200... go..." Owen ordered harsh. "Nothing... Again... Charge to 250... Nothing... Shit Kepner... Come on, don't let me down... Charge to 300... go... Nothing...We have to open her, lets get in the OR NOW" Owen barked. The others rushed as quickly as they could in the OR with April. Jackson jumped up. " I'll go with you." Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. "My son you're don't allow to operate on family members. Go outside and grab you some coffee, she is in good hands." Richard Webber said. " I can not wait here and drink some coffee, while she is there.. not clear if she makes... "He couldn't speak out the last words . Tears of anger and helplessness were coming out again. I can not wait here like some idiot. I have to do something, Richard. She is my wife Richard. She is my fucking wife. " He screamed and punched the wall in anger. " I have to do something. The whole time I have done nothing, besides of screaming at her, blaming her and throwing those stupid divorce papers through her face. I have done nothing to save our marriage. Even in the counselling I was only stubborn, proud and unforgiving... What kind of Husband am I?" Ask Jackson his eyes still filled with tears. "I know my son." Said Richard and took him in his arms. Jackson normally was uncomfortable with such an gesture of intimacy with Richard Webber. But nw he needed it and didn't care, that he was not his father. He felt like he was falling apart , right now and he as grateful for every support. "Everybody make mistakes. You both had make mistake. It is human. You had both suffered a tragic loss. You both had only different ways to cope with it. We are often make wrong chioces because of unneccasary pride. Let me say that as man who often made bad choices misled by unnecessary pride and regretted it badly. But it is never too late to change things. My son. She will survive. Do you hear me she will survive." He squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. Jackson nodded grateful. He paced up and down through the corridors and sat down on a chair with a cup of coffee. But then he saw Arizona. "Jackson." She called. "How is April?" He ask. His voice filled with scare. " She is in a critical condition, but she is alive." Jackson sighed in relief. " Jackson...?" he met her gaze. "Did you knew it?" Arizona ask. "Knew what?" He ask in confusion. "April is pregnant. His eyes widened in shock. His mind raced. "Wh...what." Is... is it alive.? Jackson ask His look filled with panic. " Yeah it is alive. But both are in a critical state. We already called Addison for help. She is right on her way. We take care of both of them. Don't worry They will past trough this. They will survive." Arizona gave him a small hug and wiped some tears back, which were escaping from her own eyes. "She is the Machine. " She gave hhim a small smile. "And nothing is gonna stop her. Not even a damn exploding ambulance." "Yeah she is a Soldier" He answered and forced a smile. Suddenly the pager of Arizona alarmed. "Jackson I have to go." Arizona said while she looked at her pager. "Wait, is something going on with April?" He asked in panic. "I really have to go. We have all under control. I have to go." She said with an apologetic look and rushed back in the OR.

April suddenly saw a bright light in front of her. "oh my god, it's over... it is really over,,," she thought. She went further to the light. When she could already see something she found herself standing in a colorful field with flowers and butterflies flying all around her. She was confused. "Kepner. What are you doing here? You are not supposed be here" A familiar voice was asking her. She turned around and then she saw grinning Mark Sloan, whos walking towards her with Lexi in his arms. "Where am I? Am I dead?" April asked "No. not now. Thats your intermediate world. This is your place of happiness. This is what your heaven would be like."+"Lake Tahoe." April Whispers in awe " Of course the place where she got married to Jackson – the love of her life – was her place of happiness. How it could be different? She thought and smiled. She saw the butterflies flying around her. It was like a dream. "I would really like to stay here forever." She said to Mark with teary eyes. "Oh I know someone, who really wouldn't like that and wouldd be very mad about it, Kepner. Look into the Lake April. She did as she were told and looked down in the lake right towards her. What she seen, broke her heart. It was a Vision of a Heartbroken Jackson, curled in a fetal position, who cried bitterly. It seemed like life drained from him. It looks like he were praying. Her Heart hurts by this sight. She felt Marks hand on her Shoulder. Lexi kneeled down besides her. "He loves you so much April, don't you see it? He love you more than everything." Lexie said smiling kindly. April nodded and began to cry. "I know, but I screwed all up. I couldn't stay with. I couldn't the pain was to much... to much. Sobs were escaping. I couldn't cope the loss of Samuel. It was so much pain. Lexi hugged her and stroked her hair. All of this scenery seems so real now and that scared her. While April was crying in Lexies arms, mark left them to come back a few moments later. "Hey April. Look who wanted to see you." Mark said in awe. April could hardly believe ones eyes. "Samuel" She whispers and felt on her knees. Another wave of tears were coming out. "Hey say hello to your mother little buddy." Mark said lovingly and handed him careful into Aprils arms. April was overwhelmed of her feelings. Now she felt more alive since the past last year and now she is almost dead. She thought sarcastically. "Hey my little Angel." She whispers, her heart filled with joy. Samuel chuchled happy. She could feel that his heart was full of peace and love. Not a remembrance of pain and agony. This awareness made her extremely happy She took his little hand in hers and a vision came up. April saw what her beautiful son saw in his last minutes of his short life. She saw him looking up to his mum and dad. She saw that Samuel was only feeling peace and overwhelming love. His last memory were his parents were looking at him with so much love and awe in their eyes. This was his last memory until god had taken him to his beautiful heaven. This knowledge gave April so much peace and joy. She reached for his tiny little hand while the vision ended and whispered. "I love you so much, my little angel. Mommy and Daddy love you so much." She kissed his forehead softly. She felt tears on her cheeks. She looked up and saw Mark and Lexie watching her. " you spare him pain April. Samuel is very grateful for that and he loves you so mush for generous, altruistic decision you made. Lexi and I will taking care of him. Somehow or either we were supposed to become the godparents." Mark said lovely smiling. " Yeah absolutly." April Answered with a huge smile. "You have to go back to your husband. He needs you. Go back to him, so that you can kick his ass for serving you with divorce papers and give an extra kick of me please. I teached him better than that." He grinned and gave her a caring hug. She look to Mark and Lexie. She knew that she had to go back to her husband. Back to the love of her live. The Scenerie slowly disappear and the darkness were coming again.

"Thank god we have a heartbeat again." Hunt sigh in relief.

The brain bleeding is also under control. Amelia said. " A fetal heartbeat is also there and regular." Addison said happy. "There Kepner I knew we got you. I knew you gonna survive. Your the machine" Nathan whispered proud and happy. "I don't mind if we close her and take her up to intensive care unit." Amelia said. "Good girl. Kepner. Now you only have to wake up for us all. Especially for that little miracle in your belly." Whispered Owen.

Jackson called his mother. She took the next plain to Seattle. He felt asleep, sitting on a chair, while waiting for an update. He woke up by a calm hand on his shoulder. It was Nathan, Jackson stand up and ask fearful. " How is she and the baby." " Both are alive. She is in a coma and on the intensive care unit now. But the baby doing great. You can go upstairs now, if you want." Jackson swallowed hard. He didn't know if he have to be relief, happy or scared as hell? On the one hand he was so happy that the baby was fine, unbelievably happy... But on the other hand... the fact that April is in a coma now... scared the shit out of him. He nodded and was up to go upstairs, when he heard Nathan call. "She will survive Jackson. She is the strongest person I have ever known." Jackson cracked a small smile and " Yeah she is." "oh and congrats to your little healthy son."

"Nathan wait... Jackson called out. Nathan stopped and turned around. " Healthy. ? Do you mean..." He was not able to continue the sentence and he didn't have to. Nathan gave him a empathic smile, went toward him and answers. " Yeah a perfect healthy baby boy. He is fine. He doesn't have oesteogenesis imperfecta." Overwhelmed by his feeling, Jackson put nathan in a tight hug. "Thank you for saving my wife." "My pleasure" Nathan replied. "I go better upstairs now bye." With these word Jackson ran to April. As he entered her room. Amelia was checkung her vital functions. Addison did the same at their son and after it they nodded sympathetically and left the room to give the couple some privacy. The sight which he was greeted, ripped his heart out. Her attached at all these hoses and medical equipment. That was so surreal. He sat beside her and took hand in his gently. " Hey my sleeping beauty. What have you done, huh? You didn't have to get between an exploded ambulance, to put some sense in my stubborn head." He whispered and forced himself to smile. " Oh you did a very good job. But now you have to wake up sweetheart. Wake up for me, love... please..." he didn't prevent the tears from falling. "Do you hear me my love. Wake up, so I can show you that I forgive you and understand you now... Listen... I was stubborn and proud to see why you had to left me, A total douchebag... you have t open your eyes. So that I can tell you that in your beautiful hazel eyes... that I want to spent my live with you and nothing else matters... so that you can forgive me... ok..." He kissed her fingers softly. "I could totally understand if you wanna stay where you are now... maybe your in heaven or something like that, because that what you supposed to believe... but please don't leave me... Say hello to our beautiful son, tell him how much we love him... " Another wave of tears were coming. He buried his hand, not leaving her hand out of his "I can't live without you... I can't... come back to me. Please tell god he have to wait for you" He begged desperately. He tenderly stroked a strain out of her face. He was so full of love for her. He just wanted to kiss her pale lips. But he couldn't, because of the breathing hose. He looks down at her small hands and noticed her dirty fingernails. He knows how much hates to have dirty fingernails. "Wait my love. I'll go downstairs for your nailset. I'll be back in a minute" He kissed her softly on her forehead and went to the dressing room. In the dressing room he found her purse. As he searched for the nail-kit, he recognize the brown envelope and take it. "Fucking divorce papers." Screamed Jackson in rage, tear the envelope into pieces and trown it away. When he calmed down he continued searching for the nail kit. Besides he founds a bible and decided to take it also. When he wanted to leave the room, he suddenly recognize the small velvet ring box on the floor and pick it up. It was her wedding ring. Did she sign the papers? No that was not an option for him. Anymore. He didn't even know now, why he wanted this. He was angry and hurt. Blinded by rage and proud. He put the small box in his pocket and went back to April. "Hey beauty. Here I am again. Sorry it took me so long." He apologizes and kiss her forehead again. "Now lets take care of your fingernails." He cleaned and prepared her nails. "There you are beauty."He kissed her knuckles after he was finished and laid his head beside he chest. "I love you so much April. I am so sorry, that I didn't tell it so long. I don't know if you can hear but I love you so much." when he looked up to wipe his tears away, he recognized his mum sanding in the doorframe. "Mum." He stood up and walked towards her. "Oh my bo. Mum is here now. How you feeling darling? Catherine ask in concern. "Well not so good, as you can see." "You should get some sleep. I stay here as long as you return." She suggested and gave him a sympathetic kiss on his cheek. "No I am not. I am not leaving her side." Jackson answered. "My son I call you if something changed." I am not leaving her side until she's awake. " "my son you need to sleep." "I need to be here mum." "I Know." His mum said. "She is pregnant mum!" He shouted at her and fought back new tears. "... and all I was doing was throwing divorce papers right in her face and now she is in a coma. so. No I am not gonna leave her." He explained desparetly. "You did what?" Asked his mum in shock. "Jackson Avery. Didn't I teach you better?" Didn't I raised you to a man with manners and sense of honor!? How could you" Catherine asked. "Do you really think I don't know how stupid that was? I know now that she didn't to hurt me. She went because she had to safe herself for us. Now I understand it and believe me I blame myself every second, for not understanding it earlier. Don't you think to see her like that. Hurts me and at least get some sense in me? I get it, mum. I get it. So you don't have to tell it again" He screamed. She took him in her arms and hugged him. She haed to see her son so fragile and in so much pain. The last time she saw him like that, was after the tragic death of her grandson. "Oh my sweet boy...I know... but she will forgive you. She loves you so much... you try marriage counseling again and try to get over all our issues together. You have to fight." Catherine explained. "Everything will be fine, my son. But you have to go to sleep. You look miserable." I am not leaving her mum. Am I clear.!? " "So then let me get a cot for you at least.? Jackson rolled his eyes in annoyance but nodded. A couple minutes later his mother returned with a cot and put it in the room. So now go to sleep my son, I look after her and wake if there is any change?" "all right mum?" Jackson kissed his mum's cheek and went too sleep.

Jackson woke up, because of Amelia, who was checking Aprils condition again. "Any changes?" Jackson asked. "No, we just have to wait." Amelia answered and left the room.

"Hey sleeping beauty. How are you?" He asked and kissed her hand. "Look what I have brought here for you. Your bible. " He took her bible I his hand. I thought you want to read it? At least you would if you were awake." Jackson chuckled. " So I thought maybe you would like it if I read something aloud.? But be lenient with me, I am not used to it and I am maybe gonna be bad in it." He opened the bible where the marker was placed and read aloud. " _Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love [is] strong as death; jealousy [is] cruel as the grave: the coals thereof [are] coals of fire, [which hath a] most vehement flame." (song of songs, Salomon.)._

 _Then he read the next part which was marked._ " _Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud._ _It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (_ _Corinthians 13:4-7)._

Jackson gulped hard after he read those lines from the bible. He was aware that he didn't act like he had to since the last year. He didn't act like a person in love. He didn't like the person who he become, but he was misled by anger and pain. In the last hours he had much time to think and understood why April had to leave him. He only hoped that it was not to late. Jackson knelled besides Aprils bed again. "Hey sweetheart. Do me a favor and wake up, please. Would you do that for me, huh?" Tell me what I am supposed to do to wake you up, love? I can't do this without you." Jackson held her hand and begged. If she woke up, he would definitely begin to believe in god. He thought. Suddenly he felt Aprils hand moving. He blinked a couple of times. Now I am losing it completely. He thought. But then he felt it again... a small squeeze only for a second. "April.? Can you hear me love?" Jackson asked in excitement. He laid beside her, so that his face was touching her face and whispered. " Open your eyes... come back to me... move your hand for me again, if you can hear me. " There it was. A little squeeze again. " Yes April, yes." He continute whispering in her ear. "Now open your beautiful hazel eyes for me, please. Wake up sweetheart, wake up for us. Open your eyes. " Jackson begged and felt the tears running down over his cheeks. He repeated these words over and over again. He was so overwhelmed with emotions. That he didn't notice the slide twitching of her eyelids. Now his hand was squeezed much harder. He could hardly believe his luck. " Hey Apes, there you are." Jackson said lovingly with tearful eyes. She tried to speak, but wasn't able, because of the breathing hose. She panicked because she didn't what happened to her. She tried to move, her body hurt. " It's okay. April. I am here. Stay still. I am gonna call Amelia so she will remove the hose." As he wanted to leave and call for help, April grabbed his hand. She tried to say _don't leave me!_ but couldn't. So she tried to stop by holding his hand tight and shaking her head. He leaned to her and she looked at him with fear in her eyes. " Don't be afraid April... " Tears were coming out of April's eyes. " Hey, love. Your save. Your in Grey's Sloan. " She shook her head in panic. " Calm down, don't move. I am not leaving you, I promise. Calm down." He pushed the emergency button. " Hey look at me, love... calm down... I am here babe" A moment later Nathan rushed in the room. "What happened... " He ask in scare. But then he saw Jackson's happy face and smiled when he saw April awake. "Hey Kepps." He stroke her cheek. "I'am gonna get Amelia, so she gonna take off this breathing tube. You will be fine." In the moment he'd wanted to leave, Amelia showed up. "Alright. I am right here, April. I am gonna take your breathing hose out now. Ok?" Amelia explained. April nodded, but was still scared. She sought out Jackson's gaze. She was so scared. What happened. Her skin and body hurt. Why the hell does she have a breathing hose in her throat? She didn't remember anything. Amelia removed the hose and April retched and coughed by this rough movement. Jackson reacted qiuckly and held her head up. "Breathe. It is alright were here." Jackson whispered calmly. "Wh..what happened?" "The Ambulance exploded and you got hurt. You were to days in a coma. Can you follow the light please. " April did as she was assked "As far I can see all reactions are good. How do you feel April?" Amelia asked. "Awful. My whole body hurts." "I will give you something, to ease the pain." She injected some painkillers in the IV. "Now I leave you aalone, you need to rest. " Amelia smiled and went out of the room. "Welcome back "Machine" " Nathan smiled and left the room either. When they were alone Jackson said: "God, I am so happy that your awake. I thought I am gonna loose you" He took her hand in his and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles. "am I dreaming. Why are you so kind to me." April asked. That hurted, but he deserved it. "April I am sorry. I so so sorry. Please." "But you didn't want me anymore." She said sadly. She didn't fought back the tears. "No no no... April look at me. I always wanted you... even in the times I was mad ad hurt... I wanted you... I was to hurt, to mad, and to proud to see it. " He confessed. She wanted to say something but he stopped her by putting a finger on her lips. "Let me end at first please, sweetheart. I waited too long to tell you that OK" Her heart skipped a beat by his words and she nodded. "We lost Samuel, I lost you... and I was helpless and mad that I couldn't help you going through this pain... I just wanted my wife back. I was so lost too... I wondered why you didn't love me anymore... " He cracked the last words out and didn't care that he was crying now. "I never stopped loving you Jackson. You are the love of my life" April felt the tears falling, but did not care, either. "I love you so much April. I didn't understand why you left me... but know I do... please forgive me for being that stubborn... " April cried harder. "I love you Jackson... I signed the papers... because I love you so much." "Listen love. The who cares about the papers... I teared them apart and thrown it away. " He reached in his pocket and took the ring. He took her hand carefully and slid her wedding ring over her finger. " You're my wife. For better or worse... you remember.?" Jackson smiled at her. April let out a sob. She couldn't believe that this is really happy. It is like all her prayers were heard. "YES. For better or worse." " Can I kiss you?" Jackson ask for permission. " I am your wife. Of course." She whispered and smiled and Jackson leaned down to kiss her like he was his life - cause she was.


	3. Grief and process

**Hey lovelies! Here I am again! I am so sorry for the long delay... but I hope you will forgive me:) This story is really intense and this chapter was really intense. I just wanted it to be perfect... and I am working on another fanfic. It will be an AU of Japril. So stay tuned.**

 **I just want to thank all of you that Followed/Favorite/Reviewed my Story so far! I really appreciate your support and feedback!**

 **Anyway... so here is the third chapter. Tell me what you think about it!:)**

 **XOXO**

 **DISCLAMER: All character belong to Shonda Rhimes!**

Chapter 3

Grief and process

She was so literally happy, she couldn't describe how she was feeling right now. Her happiness was overwhelming. She looked into Jacksons eyes and felt complete again.

"I love you Jackson." She whispered in awe.

"Me, too my love." He whispered back and kissed her gently.

Suddenly April got distracted by the beeping sound of the monitors. She was confused by the double heartbeat sounds. She didn't understand it for a while, blinked in confusion. But now her eyes widened in horror...

"No, no, no" She shook her head in panic. She writhed like she was in pain,, started screaming and crying bitterly: "no no no... that can't... it can't!" Escaped her between sobs and scream, which let Jacksons heart ache.

"Hey Baby calm dowm!" He crawled into her bed, carefully not to hurt her.

"Talk to me baby? Are you in pain?" He carest her hair.

She shook her head. "No I I am not" She croaked out. She sobbed bitterly.

Jackson felt tears in his eyes. The sight of her reminded him of the tragic but also beautiful moment of his sons birth.

"April, talk to me please! Calm down! let me help you!" He whispered in her ear, and silent, hot tears began falling down his cheeks as well.

"That... is... is not fair for Samuel!" She cried. Jackson heart broke at her words. Now the silent tears were streaming over his face, even more.

"What no! Listen to me sweetheart. Can you do that for me? "

She nodded but didn't stop crying. "Our son is happy for us. He is happy to have a sibling.. She looked at her husband and cried harder.

"I love him so much... so much..."

"I know... I know... " He trailed kisses over her face. "Hey... you believe in god right"? He asked. "This is nothing bad Apes! This is a miracle! "

She cried and smiled. "Our miracle..." She whispered in awe.

"Yeah" He laughed in tears. "

"I am scared Jackson!" She said fearfully. "I know." He whispered and brushed Aprils forehead with ones lips.

"I love you Jackson."

"I love you, too." He kissed her.

"I miss him so much, our little angel."

"I miss him too!" He whispered and smiled sadly.

"I am sooo sorry Jackson, I am so sorry for leaving you...!" She said with a broken voice.

"Ssssh we don't have to talk about this yet..." He whispered and gulped.

"But I want too." She said. "And we will, but you have to recover first. So close your eyes and sleep."

"I saw samuel...!"

"What?! "

"I know you don't believe in this stuff. But I think I was dead... and in heaven... my heaven... and I saw our son, Jackson. And I saw Mark..." She smiled up on him. "He's taking care of him with Lexie."

Jackson smiled by the thought. He liked the thought that Mark would look after is son.

"I was in lake Tahoe... Lake Tahoe was my heaven... you are my heaven... " She whispered and looked at him, her eyes full of love. He looked at her and was not able to speak. She started to cry again.

"He is in peace now. Jackson. Our son isn't in pain now! She said and looked at him with teary eyes. He couldn't help but the tears were streaming down his face as well. He gently caressed her hair. April looked at him... She loved him so much. She closed her eyes and murmurs: "I 'm so happy I didn't loose you. I didn't know if I would have survived then. "

"Me either!" Jackson whispered and brushed her forehead with ones lips. "But now you have to rest..." He whispered.

"Will you stay here while I am sleeping."

"yeah, I didn't have plans to ge anywhere... " She smiled at his words. "My body hurts and I am freezing... do I have burn injuries?" She asked him.

Jackson looked at her: "Yes but you have the best care here and you'll be fine... we will be fine!" He assured and kissed her soft.

She closed her eyes and smiled. For the first time since, it seems like forever, she felt peace again. She thought she found peace and cure in Jordan, but she was wrong. There was always a part that still had hurt. Now it didn't hurt anymore (well at least in her soul she thought) and she knew why now. Jackson was by her side again... and she wouldn't do the same mistake again and abandon him. She would fight until death, because she vowed to and he was her life. She felt Jackson's calming hand, caressing her hair slightly. Yes here is her heaven, here in his arms and they will be fine. With this thoughts she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

Jackson lay silently besides April and listened to her steady breathing. He was so happy that he have got another chance to do things right this time... to not let his pain and grieve grow bigger then them this time. He knew It will gonna be hard and there is a lot of untold stuff. It will gonna be a tough time for both of them... but he was willing to fight for them both now... just like she did before... and he gave up... because he was so hurt that she left him... he still is though... but now he understood why... now he knew that they can be fixed... because they love each other... it will gonna be a long process of healing but it was definitely a worth path to go.

Suddenly he heard someone come in – His mother. He put his finger to his lips to show his mother to be quiet and crawled out of bed, carefully not to wake up April.

"Hey my baby!" Catherine said while she stepped closer. Jackson smiled and fought back tears of joy.

"She is awake Ma!" He whispered

"I heard that sweetheart!" Catherine answered with a bright smile. He stepped closer.

" Ma she is awake and all right." He repeated with a broken voice. "I thought I lost her ma... and this time completely...but she is alive and... "

He didn't end the sentence... he couldn't. He started to sob and felt into his mothers arms He let out the tears he was holding shut off for more than a year now and it was such a relief the let out all the pain and angst he felt...

Catherine's heart broke while she was holding her only son in his arms, who's crying his heart out now. She hold him tight and rubbed his back in circling movements to sooth him. "ssh...ssh... it is ok my son... she is alive now... it all gonna be fine... you two will work things out and you have a second chance... a second chance to do things right this time..." She told him. "Yeah... I love her so much ma..." "I know son, I know...and you two will be fine... or you three... and you'll be finally the family, that you so much deserve to be!"

"Yeah you are right!" He smiled.

"what are we supposed to do now?" He asked.

"Come lets grab a coffee and take a walk, So we can talk without accidentally waking her up." Catherine suggested and guided him out of Aprils room.

Once they were in the cafeteria and sat down, Catherine started to speak. "So what are you gonna do now?"

Jackson sighed. " I honestly don't know... There is so much to work out... so many words unspoken... on both sides... I want her to know that I am willing to fight for our marriage, no matter how hard it gets... I am not leaving again... We have to learn to communicate... it's been always an issue of us and that nearly tear us apart – it actually did – she signed the papers – I signed the papers – And then the ambulance exploded... " He suddenly smirked sadly... "it is kind of funny, you know... once when the bus exploded I nearly died... she declared her feelings to me and I backed her off... and now the history repeats and I am so lucky that she didn't back me off... even though I would've way much more deserve it... if she had..." His eyes became glossy again. He gulped.. "I wont let her down again! But I don't know where to start... start to fix us."He explained and took a sip of the coffee he'd buy.

His mother looked at him full of empathy.

" You two could go to counseling?"

"I don't know...at Callie and Arizona it didn't worked... after a few session they got divorced... and that is not option for me anymore... and it never will again..." Jackson said.

"Well you could try... I know a great psychotherapist, which not only is specified in marriage therapy, but also in trauma. You could give the therapist a try. When you both don't like what he says or he make it even worse, you can always simply cancel."

Jackson thought about it... maybe his mother was right... and he will gonna talk to her after her treatment. He didn't know if she was ready for marriage therapy... strong enough.

"I don't know if she is ready for counseling mom... if she is strong enough... this might will open wounds..."

Catherine nodded in Agreement, but said: "Sometimes you have to ripped the bandage off, so that you can heal better."

"That's right, I'll think about it and it discuss with April, when she will be in a better state. But now I have to go back to her. I don't want to leave her alone for so long.

"Ok sweetheart!" His mother stood up and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

"Thanks for the talk mum it really helped. " Jackson said.

"Oh don't be ridiculous! That what good mothers are for baby! I go head back to Richard. I'll stay at him until April gets out of the hospital... so feel free to call me if you need anything." She said. "I will, thanks mum:" He answered and left the cafeteria to go back to April.

When he arrived there, he saw Addison checking the vitals of the baby.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

Addison smiled. "No, no. it is all fine just a normal check up. Only routine" He looked at April, she was still asleep.

"Can I ask you something Dr. Montgomery" Jackson asked in a whisper.

"Of course!" Addison answered.

Jackson gestured to go away from so they didn't wake her up.

Then he asked: "Are you sure, the baby is healthy?" His eyes filled with fear.

"Well I can't say it in 100%, but as I can see now, yes it is healthy." Addison answered and Jackson smiled in relief.

"But we can make a few more tests, when your wife's condition is better." Jackson simply nodded and Addison left the room.

He took a chair and sat besides April.

Her eyes opened. "Hey." She said and smiled.

"Hey love! I didn't mean to wake you" He said, took her hand in his, kiss her knuckles and smiled. "How are you feeling" He asked her.

"good... tired...and it hurts... but I am good... you are here..." He smiled in respond.

"How bad are my burnings, Jackson? Tell me the truth!" She asked.

"Not so bad, only first and second state... there even not gonna be any scars." He explained her. "Okay." She smiled. "II heard you and Dr. Mongomery talk..." She started.

"April..."

"I hope so much that this baby will be fine... I am so scared to get tested... "

He crawled in her bed again, carefully to don't touch her injuries.

"Hey.. April... look at me... we don't have to do itt now... And Dr. Montgomery said that all seems fine. We just have to do it to be 100 % sure. Our baby will be fine and we do this together... I am right here for you...let me help you this time." He looked in her teary eyes and caress her hair.

"We will be fine! She answered.

Just then Amelia Sheppard walked in. "Hey you... my favorite patient... how are you feeling?" Amelia asked. "Good... a little in pain... but good. " April answered.

"Good. I thought we could sit on the edge of the bed today. And each day we take a little step further. It sped up the healing process."

"Okay." April said a little worried.

"Isn't it too early?" Jackson asked afraid.

"No it is the perfect time trust me. I spoke with Addison and she said, the baby is perfectly fine and as a plastic surgeon, you know that Aprils burn injuries are not that bad that they could open up. " Amelia explained.

He nodded.

"All right, then lets get you another perspective of the world again." Amelia gently took the sheets off and went to her shoulders to grab them gently and held her up a bit. "Jackson you take her legs and pull them over the edge of the bed... and slowly we have time!" Amelia instructed Jackson:

" Ok... so lets get you up."Amelia said. Jackson gave April an assuring smile. Jackson gently grapped her legs and he get April up at the edge of the bed in a sync motion with Amelia. Once she sat. April got a little dizzy, closed her eyes and lost her balance. Jackson was there in a sec to support her. "I got you!" He whispered.

She opened her eyes and smiled. "Hey Jacks." She smiled.

"Hey, how is the perspective there?" He asked smiling. "way better!" She smiled.

"So when can I get in a wheelchair?"

"Take it easy Kepner! We will take you to a head CT tomorrow and then we will see how your head is doing. "ok." April said. "So enough for today, lets go back to bed." Amelia said. " Wait can I have some water at first? I can drink better while I am sitting" April Asked.

"Of course... hold her a minute Jackson, I'll bring you some water" Jackson said down next to April to support her.

Amelia came back In a sec with a glass of water and handed it to Jackson. Jackson held the glass on Aprils lips, so she could drink.

"Jackson... "

"Accept the help Apes." She drank, she was so thursty... then she coughed.

"Slow, Apes." Jackson said, put the glass on the nightstand and put her with Amelia gently back to bed.

Amelia looked between them and was happy to see them finally like this again... so full of love and concerned about each other.

She smiled at them: "I leave you two lovebirds alone now!" She just said and left the room Jackson sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand in his.

"I am so glad you are getting better! When you can get in a wheelchair i'll take you out a bit... fresh air will be good for you!"

"When I am able to go outside a little longer... can I go to the cemetery with you? I want to visit our son with you. I have never been there... cause it hurt too much, but know I am ready to do that... but I don't... I don't want to do it alone... I am a little scared... and ashamed I didn't go there in the past... I just couldn't." She confessed and hoped he was not angry at her about it: She looked away.

He squeezed her hand and put his other hand on her cheek. Now April looked at him and they shared a moment of silence and gazed at each other. They were not able to put their feeling now in words, but they don't need too. Their eyes said it all. The pain they felt, how hurt they were, the angst, but also the happiness, because they finally see the light in the darkness. Jackson leaned under and kissed her with all the emotions he felt now and a reassuring that she don't have to had a guilty conscience about not visiting their son. He ended the kiss, but his face didn't left hers. Their noses touched.

"I couldn't either..." He confessed too and his voice broke. I was so hurt and so angry that you left and I couldn't help you. I... I... Oh my god I even blamed Samuel for it... " He didn't even realize, that he was crying, until he felt Aprils hands on his cheeks. He looked up and saw now that silent tears were streaming out of Aprils eyes, too.

"it's ok. Jackson..." She whispered.

"I just couldn't... and I felt so guilty about... I mean what horrible Father am I too blamed his own son for his death... it only hurt so bad to not only loose him... to lost you too..."

Aprils heart broke. She didn't now that Jackson was so Broken... broken like her... and that she didn't see IT in the past. "

Jackson! I Love you! I am so sorry that I hurt you so much... I am so so so sorry. " She cried.

"Don't be... I get it now... I was just so hurt and frustrated that I couldn't get to you... that I couldn't spare you any pain... because that is what a good husband does... and I felt so helpless... and so rejected..." He explained. He never spoke about his feelings in this period, but it felt so good to finally share it with his wife. It was like a heavy burden of his shoulders got lifted.

"Hey... hey , hey hey.. listen to me Jackson... He look down at her and she was massaging his scull, that alwaays calmed him, she calmed him... she was all he had... always...

"You are a great husband... don't you dare, questioning that again." She said and pulled his face down to kiss him. They were such a mess... he thought. But April was his home, his safe haven... "We will be fine April... we just have to push and we have to fight. "

April just smiled at his words and completed his sentence. "This is the mud and we just have to push through it.

"We will go visit our son!" He laid himself besides April, closed his and fell asleep.

The next days went great. April's recovery went off great and when she was able to sit in a wheelchair for couple of hours; Jacksons asked Amelia and Addison if he could take April to the cemetery. They looked at him full of empathy and only said that he had to be careful. He get back to the room of April to tell her the news.

"Hey Sweetheart lets get you of bed! I just get the permission to take you out for a couple of hours" He smiled and get to her bed.

"Oh...that is great" She said and forced herself to smile. Jackson knew exactly that she was scared, but she was trying to hide it. He kissed the top of her head. "We don't have to go to the cemetery... We don't have force things if your not ready." Jackson suggested. April bit her bottom lip and fought against tears. "I Want to... but I am so afraid off. "I am with you April, we are doing this... you and me... don't be afraid... " He kissed her forehead. She nodded and sat up in bed.

Jackson grabbed her and wanted to carry her.

"Jackson you don't have... "

"Shut up April" He chuckled, kissed her hair and said her down in the wheelchair. He bend down to be on her height and asked. "Are you ready?" "No, i've never will be ready for this... but yeah we can go. " April answered. Jackson squeezed her shoulder to show April his support.

On their way to the cemetery, they stop by a florist and bought some yellow daisies for the grave. As they arrived there, April and Jackson took a deep, shaky breath in sync. April leaned forward and touched the letters of the grave. Jackson crouch down besides April and put the daisies on Samuels gravestone.

"Hey buddy... sorry that mommy and daddy been here for so long..." Jackson began to speak.

"We were a little scared you know... but we always missed and loved you..." April completed the sentence of Jackson with tear filled eyes and a shaky voice.

"But you know what son...Mommy and Daddy are together again." Jackson spoke further. " I was a little stupid and hurt, but the destiny put some sense in my mind."

"yeah your mum only nealy had to die... but who cares" She giggled.

"And you will have a little brother or a sister... and we will tell about you every day... we will never forget you... we love you..." April voice and she started crying. Jackson pushed himself in front of April, put her hands in his and laid his head onto Aprils lap. April heard his heartbroken sobs and cried with him together in front of Samuel Norbert Averys Grave. They let out all their pain and helplessness... Jackson looked up at April, took her face between his hands and whispered: "I love you, April... so much!" The last time he spoke the same words to her. It was the End – but now- it was a new beginning. They were finally grieving together … this was all he had need... all the long time... that was process... and he knew now they will be fine again.


End file.
